Dream Boogie

Today was the first day of Dream Boogie Class with SARK. Eight weeks of online community, mentoring and inspiration. I feel very excited about this class:)

This is the photo I chose to post. It makes me smile to think about the day I dressed up as Kwan Yin as part of the birthday challenge celebration, the weekend I performed at my very first open mic.

Here is the introduction I posted:

About me, I have spent the last six years after burning out from science teaching, exploring my inner and outer worlds. In this time, my marriage fell apart and I have been up and down and all around, boldly experimenting and then running away and hiding under rocks. I've lived in a monastery, worked on a farm, studied carpentry, creative expression and local food issues and studied music for a year. At a singing workshop at Esalen in Big Sur, I commented on how I didn't know where I was going next, just kinda wandering around and he replied 'You're not wandering - you are on tour!' And so I bought six hundred dollars of equipment and started playing at rest stops and street corners and wherever and the Pixiedust World Tour began. I feel a bit sad because my own fears and doubts rob me of excitement and motivation at times over the past few years and I think of giving up and doing something more traditional again. I dabble and I long to throw myself into it 110%. Consistently. And see what happens. I am happy to be here and look forward to being a part of this community gathering support, giving support and learning to support myself to take out the tour bus and don it with flashing lights and streamers and a big horn and invite people to jump on board with me, scattering magic pixiedust throughout the world like on a never-ending mardi gras parade, laughing all the way.

Next stop: right here, right now in Boogieland! (I posted a link to Suit of Armour, click now)

honk!, honk!,

chirin

Quicksand

Where am I? What's my name? And how do you pronounce it? What year is it? What season? Why is it warm in February? What am I doing? What am I supposed to be doing? I've barely blogged this past year. I created this in part to help me stay motivated, track my journey toward more authenticity, toward more truth, toward more expression, more humility, more connection to myself and others. To share myself. In all my imperfections. Unabashedly. Courageously. And I find myself sitting here in a beautiful place, barely able to enjoy the warmth in the middle of what would normally be winter for me. Ice storms back 'home'. Ice storms in my heart. What's holding me back? I ask myself again and again. Where's the ground? Why is it that I barely pick up my guitar? What am I afraid of? There's an open mic tomorrow night. Will I make it? Or will I hide some more. Seeking the security of not trying over the risk of failure. 'I'm not ready.' I say. And then I don't get ready. Transition gives rise to old demons. Old habits of body and mind.

In school, I'd been too busy to blog. Too busy to connect to self. Too busy to work on my own songs. Now I have time stretching before me and I don't blog. I barely write. New soil. New possibilities. New realities. A man who loves and support me. I try to support myself. So many tools in my toolbox. Many are dull. Are all the tools equally effective? I carefully choose the appropriate knife in the kitchen depending on if I am slicing bread, chopping onions, slicing a lemon in half. Which tool to scrape off the layers of fear and doubt? To cut through the stories keeping me small, constricted. To pull me out of the quicksand of indecision, of overwhelm. I make little motions toward this branch or that, but can't seem to get a good enough grasp to pull myself completely out.

I'm on Day 6 of the Master Cleanse. Clearing my body. Maybe it will help clear my mind.

What to do? What to do? Meditate. Check. Email Mom. Check. What next? Read? Run? The Work of Byron Katie? Morning Pages of the Artists' Way? The new/old house still has corners longing to be free of dust. The garden begs for attention. The clean dishes await return to their place in the world. What's my place in the world? So many interests, ideas of how I can be helpful. I've dabbled in so many things. Will I keep dabbling? I long to wholeheartedly throw myself one hundred and ten percent into....what? Priesthood? Sustainability? Music? NVC Trainer certificaiton? The Work facilitation training? Conservation work? I long to fully express my love and concern for what in this life I hold dear. To have my life express my values. To have all the pieces in my life come together into a beautiful whole.

Whole. Happy and whole. That's what I wished for everyone this morning in my metta prayer. May I be happy and whole. May my family be happy and whole. May my partner be happy and whole. May my friends be happy and whole. May my teachers be happy and whole. May my former students be happy and whole. May my former coworkers be happy and whole. May my neighbors be happy and whole. May my acquaintances be happy and whole. May my strangers be happy and whole. May world social, military, political, and spiritual leaders be happy and whole. May all the soldiers on all sides be happy and whole. May all those who I've had ill-will towards and those that have had ill-will towards me: may we drop all the bullshit and just love each other. Amen.

And if it is in the highest interest of all beings, may my guitar find its way into my hands long enough for me to settle. To settle into this new place. To settle into myself.

a.m.

good morning,

beautiful children of the Universe,

dawning anew, each of us, this day,

may the petals of our hearts blossom fully and fragrantly,

may our lungs fill with the promise of this new day,

and empty with gratitude for the gifts that keep showing up on our doorstep,

unexpectedly, arriving just when we need them in the perfect size, shape and color,

may we continue to be amazed at the way we show up to our lives seemingly unprepared,

the Universe making its requests and we say '-- i can't -- i don't know how -- i've got nothing to offer--i'm not ready --',

and then in an instant, vulnerable, our hearts burst open and treasures come tumbling out, sparkling and gleaming,

dazzling the Universe, which then laughs joyously and knowingly,

bursting into technicolor radiance, extending its hand, inviting us to join the dancing and singing.......

skype

longing for a chunk of time to connect with you,

to laugh with you,

to share with you,

to clear up the mystery of the missed texts with you,

to discuss concepts in the book that we're both reading,

i long to call you 'Baby',

to smile at you,

to stick my tongue out at you,

to carry you around the house talking to you as if you were here,

to conduct my cooking show live for an audience of one,

i long to sit with you in silence,

staring at the little green dot,

tears forming after hours of 'this and that' as the clock approaches my midnight and your midday,

caressing my keyboard,

touching your face on the screen,

defying the story that distance is the product of rate and time,

dreading the click - but one of us has to do it -

quick, do it now!,

'I love you, Ba---.'

Sweet Dreams

I noticed my arms rise up and I embraced myself as You.... so gently and sweetly in waves of caresses along my body and I breathed in deeply, a half smile forming on my face. I sit now with hand on my beating heart, eyes closed, sending you thousands of delicate little kisses that will slowly descend upon you in slumber, gently so as to not wake you, but upon waking, you will feel their caresses, continuously whispering their insistent message with each feathery kiss......

....you are loved.....you are loved....you are loved....you are loved....you are loved....you are loved....you are loved....you are loved.....you are loved....you are loved....

A jackal opens its mouth and before the word of resistance can be spoken, it is met with a kiss so delicate yet so passionate that its body yields, melting into bliss and with tears in its eyes, asks '...really?...truly?,,,,' and the kisses just keep coming in and he surrenders, laughing and says sheepishly 'okay...i am loved' and opens to the embrace, letting it sink in deeply and completely...

...i am loved...i am loved...i am loved....i am loved....i am loved...i am loved...i am loved....i am loved.....

may this be your mantra today, baby.....

Note: I feel excited about a handout by Doro Kiley, Professional Life Coach, that contains a definition of jackal versus giraffe language used in Nonviolent Communication (NVC) created by Marshall Rosenberg and referenced to above. Check it out:)

Smiling in Sante Fe

I woke up this morning and had no idea where I was. For a few seconds, I looked around in the semi-darkness and a few scenarios popped into my head jolting me around in space and time before I remembered I was in Sante Fe visiting friends I knew from my time in Moab, Utah.

Good friends. The kind of friends that no matter how long it's been since you've seen or spoken, there's no awkwardness and time takes on a funny quality as in 'Wow. How could you have done all that in the time since we last saw each other when it feels in this moment like it was just last week when Nat did that double pitch climb and Adam and co. hosted that 'roll your own sushi' party and then we were all laughing at that music festival when I bought a turkey leg and grease was dripping down my chin and one of y'all said 'Isn't this the girl who's about to go live on a vegetarian Buddhist lettuce farm?!?!?!?!?'

I sit here in amazement too because I had no idea Nat and Adam were back in the states. Last I heard, Nat was getting her Master's back in her homeland of Canada. When I arrived in Alburquerque a week and a half ago, I posted it on Facebook and Nat saw it and told me that they were in Sante Fe which is superclose to ABQ. I emailed back, thinking they were on vacation, saying I hope they are still there when I finish my training. It turns out that they live here and so after wrapping up in ABQ yesterday afternoon, headed up here and I feel so happy to reconnect with them.

I have felt quite disconnected from my friends and from community down in coastal Texas though it has been great to reconnect with my family. I went back last year thinking I would stay for a few weeks, maybe a few months to help my Mom rebuild her life after enduring Hurricane Ike and then head back west. I have chosen to stay to continue being helpful and to study music and will be going back for school in the fall.

This summer, though....this summer is a gift to myself of reconnecting with friends, with nature and with myself through songwriting and by continuing to explore how I can be helpful in the world. I'm driving and so I have flexibility to take advantage of opportunities that open up and to move at my own pace, receiving the gifts of the universe instead of rushing off to the next thing I have to do. I feel really grateful for that plan because I had originally booked my whole entire summer up with trainings and retreats with little time for friends or for myself. The new improved plan is a combination of both. And so, it is with much joy that I receive this unexpected gift of reconnecting with Nat and Adam. They are going out of town for the weekend and are gifting me the use of their studio where I plan to play with music and catch my breath from the intensity of the last few weeks (more later). Perfect, perfect, perfect.

About an hour ago, I had wanted to go for a run, move my body, breathe in the morning air and Nat told me about a trail that runs along the railroad track. I was supposed to take a left down this pedestrian alley a few houses down and then take a right and continue straight through some houses to the track. I became confused and couldn't find the track and thought maybe I would just jog around the neighborhood. I backtracked, tried to find the second alleyway again, wondering if anyone was home where I could knock on the door and ask and then I saw an older gentleman standing in his driveway. He was visiting too, but used to live here and pointed out the path to me. I gave him a hug and continued on. Perfect, perfect, perfect.

The alleyway popped out onto a paved track adjacent to the railroad bordered by plants and trees. I stretched, started the timer on my watch and took off, listening to the playlist on my Ipod I call 'Girlfriend'. It includes Alanis Morissette's '21 Things I Want in a Lover', 'Respect' by Pink, Indigo Girl's 'Closer to Fine', Lyle Lovett's 'Aint It Somethin', John Michael Montgomery's 'Life's A Dance' and India Arie's 'Private Party'. When the path came up to a road, I danced on the sidewalk until the way was clear and I smiled at everyone I came across: solo cyclists, cyclists with kids in those cute little carriers, joggers with cute little puppy dogs. I 'Hi-Five'd' the branches of trees reaching toward me.

As I prepared to turn around to head back, I suddenlty felt afraid as I realized I had not turned around and taken a look at where I had popped out from my friends' neighborhood onto this track. 'What if I run right past it?', I thought with a little bit of alarm. I strategized that I could run back for the same amount of time I had run to this point and I should be close. My experience is that usually it takes less time to get back than it did to get to the turnaround point so I was still feeling a bit concerned. I don't know this town well at all. And I kept running and smiling at people and then all of sudden, a woman popped out from the left ten feet in front of me. I stopped short in awe of the grace of the universe and had to manouever to not get run over by a family of bicycles. I tried to talk to the woman to express my amazement at her timing, but she just kept on walking oblivious to my experience or maybe aware that I looked a bit crazed in that moment.

Ain't it somethin' how the way things go? Perfect, perfect, perfect:)

Bon matin, mon cherie!

I woke up in a luscious bed feeling fabulous still rendevous-ing avec moi in the hill country in springtime without feeling lack of any kind (see previous post Rendevous Romantique Pour Un). Birds were singing, the sun was hiding behind the clouds and it was cool and misty.

I walked downstairs and ate a croissant. Memories of croissant aux almondes in Paris. I loved Paris. So romantic. One of the reasons I picked this room was that it had a balcony off the bedroom with a table and chairs. I love to picnic and eat at cafes with outdoor seating.

I hadn't had a chance to check out the grounds yesterday so that was my morning plan.

I strapped on my guitar and wandered around to the strains of Opus 6, No. 1 by Fernando Sor and 14 Minietudes by J. Maurice Mourat. There were two greenhouses and this solarium with a water feature and koi.

There were numerous waterfalls and plants.

Only a very few mosquitoes out, not enough to dampen my spirit.

There's a saying that goes something like this: when you wake up in the morning alone with over half a bottle of champagne left over because the person you were going to share it with has just fallen in love with another, make a mimosa!

And so I did and had a lovely breakfast on my balcony serenaded by birds with the waterfalls gently murmuring 'you are loved, you are loved' in the background. I was really enjoying the lack of gadgetry. No roll out of bed and check facebook ritual this morning. No email or phone call to return. I was delightfully out of cell range. I was on the range. Home on the range.

I showered and then packed up singing, alternating between Amarilli, mia bella by Caccini and Danza, danza fancuilla gentile by Durante accompanied by my computer and speakers. I did have electricity here. I belted out the last melismatic phrase of Amarilli standing on the bumper of my truck and then swung in and headed to the main compound with the lake. Enchanted Lake.

They were preparing for a wedding. I moseyed over and found a table and chair and put my feet up. I shared some words with one of the workers and he generously offered to go find some oars so I could take a spin on the lake.

I accepted the offer and grabbed my guitar, rolled up my jeans and paddled out.

I proceeded to serenade the setup crew and a lone fisherman before heading back home. To home on the coastal plain.

Though not what I had originally envisioned, it was perfect just the same. I felt free. I had forgotten the magical feeling of being on the road, visiting new places, meeting new people - the feeling of anything-is-possible, of no rush, of everything falling into place just the way it is supposed to. I took a photograph in college once in Big Bend National Park of my feet in front of the desertscape and it was titled 'With, Not By,' meaning 'with myself, but not by myself.' It's a subtle difference, one where instead of empty, I feel full and present. Comfortable in my skin.

May we all feel fully embodied, full of love with nothing lacking and nothing needing to change. Big Texas-sized hugs to all y'all!!