The Next Right Thing

Before Jackie was born, Dad, Mom, Sherry and me.  Dad's been gone for eleven years now.

     Byron Katie says she doesn't make decisions anymore.  She just waits and then notices that she does certain things instead of other things.  I used to drive myself crazy over needing to make the 'right' decision, analyzing pro and cons, being pulled in multiple directions as if I'm being drawn and quartered, fearing I'd choose wrong.  Some of the themes studied at San Francisco Zen Center that have been helpful to me in this regard are as follows: 

1. stay in the present (with a strong sitting meditation practice that grounds you in the body, helping to get you of of your deluded mind), 
2. stay in "I don't know" mind - out of the 'I know terrible things are going to happen if I make the wrong decision and I'll suffer for the rest of my life' mind (oh, the drama!), 
3. honor your own practice, your own path - staying out of comparing mind and just start continually right where you are with, as Cheri Huber (contemporary Zen teacher) says, 'conscious compassionate awareness.'  Study of the Genjo Koan has helped me with this concept.
   

     In mid-January, right before I went to Great Vow Zen Monastery near Portland for a retreat, Oregon, I received an email from my sister Sherry.  I had been traveling up and down the West Coast since I left Tassajara Zen Mountain Center in July due to the impending wildfires (which did indeed sweep through the complex which was saved thanks to the efforts of all beings).  I had planned when I left Tassajara, to move to Great Vow at the start of the New Year and live and practice there for one year.  I had interviewed with the abbot in October.   The good questions posed by Hogen Bays and the adventures and experiences that followed made me unsure what would be best for the 'me' that was actually showing up in January.  The Life Vows Sesshin or retreat was the last scheduled thing on my list.  I was compiling a list of options and continually harboring concern about my mother who was displaced by Hurricane Ike in late summer.  As I spoke with Kojun on my way up to Oregon, I was still considering residency there.  And then came the email.  It was an invitation to a birthday party for my newest nephew, Jacob, on February 7th in Houston.  And just like that - click - I thought, 'I'm going home.'  My body responded with a very calm, 'yes.'  No stress, no 'buts, and no real idea of what that would look like or how long I would stay.  No fearful knot in my stomach.  All I had to do, in the advice of my musician friend, Daniel Nahmod, was to do the next 'right' thing.

Me, Sherry and Jackie.  Mom made the dresses Sherry and I wore.  And I loved that bunny necklace with the bunny ears that moved.

    I left Great Vow with a list of vows and a peaceful heart and started driving home, arriving just in time for the birthday party.  I still don't really know what I am doing here or how long I will stay, yet I know this is where I am supposed to be right now and that's enough.  

   SFZC Abbot Steve Stuckey says family practice is advanced practice and I have definitely been diligently practicing.  A zen koan says 'Don't go home.  They will call you by your name.'  And sure enough, I am back to being Linda instead of the 'Daline' I've been since I was nineteen or the 'Chirin' I've been for the past year or so or the 'Pixie' that my friend Matteo has been calling me since October.  

      Who am I indeed?.  I certainly have ideas and concepts about who I am and how much I have grown in the last decade, especially the last five years.  And it is interesting to just come back home and be 'nothing special', just Linda.  Very humbling and also a bit of a relief.  For a long time, I believed a story that I would NEVER move back to Texas, that there was nothing there for me, no like-minded people.  I was afraid I would morph into some narrowminded, arrogant, overweight Texan and not even recycle anymore.  I was afraid I would lose something that I thought I had gained.  But I don't believe that anymore.  

    I am not interested in living in fear.  I am interested in living in vow.  I have noticed fear arising, especially around money since things have not worked out exactly as planned and I find myself in a hotel indefinitely.  And so, I thought this might be a good time to review the vows I elucidated while in retreat at Great Vow in January: 

• I vow to stop holding myself back, to stop making excuses, to stop believing limiting thoughts that keep me small and timid:  I vow to be big and bold.  (That was my New Year's resolution crafted with the help of Claude Stein and the Natural Singers workshop participants at Esalen Institute in Big Sur, CA.)
• I vow to be a vessel through which love flows freely.
• I vow to scrutinize lovingly every aspect of my life so that I may bring all my actions fo body, speech and mind into alignment with Truth.
• I vow to bear witness to the Earth, hear her cries for help, and respond appropriately.  Without hesitation.
• I vow to cultivate a solid, consistent lay practice to anchor me so that I may withstand any storm fearlessly; so that I do not close  my heart to anyone or anything.
• I vow to be of service:  this life is not mine.
• I vow to love myself so completely, accepting everything past and present, so harmoniously that there is no fear to project onto the future and all I can see is LOVE.
• I vow to be patient with myself and others, trusting that everything is unfolding exactly as it should, perfectly on time.
• I vow to love like the wind...indiscriminately (the motto that arose for me during Byron Katie's School for the Work).  I vow to inquire deeply into my thoughts to find out what I am believing that is not true.  My job will not be done until I can look into the eyes of everyone and see Buddha, see God.
• I vow to practice continuously, endlessly.
• I vow to offer 'my' gifts to the world unselfishly.  They do not belong to me.

    In the spirit of Vow #1, I just signed up with Sonicbids to be able to enter music contests and maybe !?!? get some gigs.  Craziness!!!  Here's the info I posted about myself - those of you who know me, please offer feedback - especially those who have heard me sing!

Having crawled her way out of the depths of despair, the Pixie now bursts forth with songs of love lost and found, inner strength and humility, strumming her six string with a sparkle in her eye, a smile on her lips and a heart as big as Texas.

Born in Texas, the Pixie grew up on the 'South Coast', yet set out for the West early and is deeply influenced and inspired by the deserts and mountains as well as the wide open ocean. Having rejected country as a child, she now loves to sing with a twang as well as with soulful angst. Her influences include Edie Brickell, the Indigo Girls, Traci Chapman, India Arie, Alanis Morissette, Dido, the Eagles, John Denver, Pink, No Doubt and Daniel Nahmod. Through her soulful, honest, open heart, The Pixie shares her journey through the darkness and delusion into the light. In her song, Loud and Clear, you will see that journey take place before your very eyes. With nothing left to lose, and everything she needs, The Pixie sprinkles her pixiedust indiscriminately, loving like the wind. Be careful of looking deeply into her sparkling blue eyes; you just might fall in.

Original songs: Loud and Clear, Moon Over Mickey D's, In This Moment, We Tried, My Friend Paula, Living in my Truck, Baby Dragon Face Down in the Mud
Covers: Thank You by Dido, Kid Fears by the Indigo Girls, Behind the Wall by Traci Chapman

     Let the unfolding continue!!